Lying To Myself
by Nyomi Owahama
Summary: Sadik is dead and Heracles reflects on how he feels losing the Turk and being left seemingly by himself.


So, I wrote this after reading a really sad fanfiction and while I was feeling rather depressed, so if it's crap, that's why.

I have some names in here for countries without them so Ny is TRNC, Cy is the rest of Cyprus, Taur is Crete and Bul is Bulgaria.

Hetalia belong to Himaruya~

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><p>Damn him. Damn that bastard to the deepest pits of hell and let him burn there for the rest of eternity. The thoughts are a lie and I know it. As usual, my anger was blinding me and making me think the worst things. Maybe it's not anger though…perhaps its sorrow…or mourning.<p>

Or it could be a bit of all three.

Yes, I'm feeling all of these emotions whirling around my head because he's gone, because that bastard had to go and die. God, I hate him so much when I think about it. I hate him because of how everything happened, because of how things are now that he's disappeared.

And I feel guilty, guiltier than I've ever felt in my life, because even when he was dying, when I had the opportunity to say what I really wanted to, I could get the words out. Yet the bastard knew…he knew exactly what I couldn't say.

_I glare at him, a scowl set on my face, "You're such an idiot," I tell him. He looks terrible, bandages all over his torso, blood seeping through them. I see a long gash that runs from his ear down his neck, disappearing beneath the white layers of cloth. His cracked mask lies on the bedside table, seeming forgotten. _

"_Yer way too young to be lecturin' me, brat," Sadik responds, somehow keeping the cocky smirk on his face despite his situation. _

"_Don't call me a brat, you bastard," I snap back, making the man's smirk simply widen. I look around the room, the empty room. Sadik had wanted to see me by myself so Gupta had politely left. I reach forward and take his hand, "You look really bad…"_

_Sadik gave my hand a small squeeze, "Do I? Wouldn't really know 'cause I can't see myself," he said with a sigh._

"_You aren't getting away with this you know. Once you're better, I'm going to beat the living hell out of you and take back Constantinople and that'll teach you to get sick," I tell him, though I know that there is very little chance he will get better._

"_Istanbul," Sadik seemed to automatically correct, "And as if you could ever kick my ass," he scoffed_

"_I've done it before," I said, smirking slightly as I spoke, my tone full of gloating_

"_Yeah right, I let you win the first time, an' the second time you cheated an' had Bul help you," Sadik said with a roll of his eyes._

_I frowned, sending a light glare at him, though I quickly dropped it. I stared down at our hands, opening my mouth to speak but closing it._

_Sadik's eyes never left my face as he watched me struggle for words. "I know, kitten, I know," he said, making me look up in shock. _

"_Know what?" I asked him quietly, biting my lip as I kept a tight grip on his hand._

"_Know what you're trying to say," Sadik told me, chuckling, "I've known for awhile. And, same to you, kitten," he said, smirking as he saw my shocked face. _

That had been the last time I'd spoken to him…and would be the last time I ever spoke with him. He'd known, known all along what I'd wanted to tell him…and he felt the same and he'd never told me! He just…left things the way they were. I hated him for that. I hated that he hadn't made a move. That he hadn't said the words I wanted to hear so I could echo them.

He died that night…with me by his side, watching him sleep. The funeral…was just terrible…I hate even thinking about it.

_Every one of the nations was there, paying their respect to him. I had promised myself I wouldn't cry. I had to stay strong for Ny, Cy and Taur. They needed to see that I was alright, that this didn't affect me. But the moment I stepped up to pay my own respects, the tears burst from my eyes. I started crying and thrashing, yelling and beating my fists on the wooden coffin. Bul and Gilbert had to drag me away from the area until I had calmed down, though I continued to cry during the entire ceremony, tears dripping down my cheeks at a steady but constant rate._

That was another thing that made me angry at him. He'd left me here with three kids, three kids who now only had one parent. Ny doesn't even speak with me, not that that's unusual for him. I hear him crying in the middle of the night, sobbing about missing his father. Cy whimpers constantly, his crying never stops, day or night. I've tried to comfort him but nothing I say seems to help. And then…there's Taur. Seeing him tears me apart the most. He doesn't speak. Ever. He barely eats or sleeps, and he just cries silently. I've never seen the boy so upset, not even when Sadik and I were fighting wars over him. He can't even smile…he can't laugh…it's so unlike him. I want to see him smile. I want to pull him close and hold him and wipe away all his tears. But I know it won't make a difference.

Sadik would know how to comfort them…Sadik would make them feel better. He'd scold them for acting like brats and being unmanly and they'd cheer up. I wasn't like that. I just knew how to hold them close and sing to them softly in Greek, hoping they'd fall asleep.

One thing I do know now…just one. It's lonely, terribly lonely without him here.

I miss the way he would yell at me when I punched him. The way he'd pin me down and call me an uncute brat, only to pick me up and drag me to the bed. I miss how we would cuddle. I miss hearing him call me kitten as he pet my head. I miss his baklava and moussaka. I miss the mask and forcibly ripping it off to see his face. I miss his smirk and his loud, obnoxious laugh. I just…miss him.

It feels like I hate so much now. I hate the others, and myself as well…Gupta, Elizaveta, Bul and I…because we were all too stubborn to forgive him. Too stubborn to tell him what we really felt. None of us could say the words but…I think he knew. He knew how we felt and I hope he understood why we couldn't tell him. Why none of us could say those three words.

I have to keep lying to myself. Keep telling myself that I hate him and I hate everyone else and I hate myself. I know that it's not true though. I know I'm just upset. I know because my heart feels empty with him gone. I feel empty and broken without him by my side.

I stare out at the sunset from where I'm still sitting among my mother's ruins. "I love you, Sadik…" I whispered to the empty air, and I swear I can almost hear his deep voice on the wind, echoing the words.

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><p>Please Rate and Review...I need the critiques<p> 


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